Ch-ch-changes.

For Emily C. (c) C. Quintana 2010

Do you think you can physically feel change?

Sometimes I feel like I can. Like there’s something quiet that settles in and waits for it to hit me…

A group of friends and I were driving to the beach yesterday (Jones Beach in Long Island) and I could (or I thought I could) feel change creeping up on me.  If it had been the movie of my life, the volume on the surrounding conversation would have drastically fallen and the Indie music would have stepped up and the camera would have panned from me to the view of Queens outside the window and then beyond.  But instead, me, myself and I steeped in a moment of realization– this is my life now.

In the past few weeks I have often thought about how interesting it would be to introduce my current self to myself from five years ago.  Have you ever had this thought? I wonder what I would say to myself– I wonder what I would think of myself.  When I graduated from high school I remember hearing about how “people change in college” and I hated that idea. I liked who I was and the idea of possibly becoming someone unfamiliar and, perhaps, unpleasant was somewhat terrifying.  When I look back on those thoughts, I have to laugh.  Imagine if we were the “same” person from age 10 until death– Honestly, that might be kind of hilarious. But I fear the world may be even more chaotic than it already is.  Although, maybe people would have more fun!

I came across this quote today: “Change is the essence of life.  Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”  I suppose there’s always a chance that change could lead to the worse, but then there’s also an equal chance that it could lead to the better!  Nostalgia aside, I don’t think I’d want to be my 17 year old self ever again.  Maybe there’s good reason our minds were built not to remember the exact feeling of being 17.  It can be difficult enough to focus on the present.

Someone said to me not too long ago (my memory fails me as to the exact person and time) that even with all the changes we undergo, we are still, at the core, ourselves.  Isn’t it beautiful to think that we are constantly transforming? Shedding some invisible skin with each passing day.

We’ve also all heard, “he/she will never change” or “he/she changed.”  Maybe that just means our day-to-day transformations aren’t always in line with one anothers’.  Have you evolved into your current self at a different rate than I have?  Maybe you change in leaps and I change in footsteps?

If so, take your leaps and I will take my footsteps.  And maybe we’ll meet somewhere in the middle– if only for a time.

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2 thoughts on “Ch-ch-changes.

  1. Thank you for the postcard. I do use my middle name Rowan. However, that was a choice my parents made as I was named for my grandmother and she went by Emily. So, I grew up in Pa. about 90 min. from NYC in a town called Easton. The home of Crayola Crayons. As for changes…we remain the same in our essential spirit..it can get muddied up though. I have to read more of your reflections. SO, why did you decide to move to NYC. My son was just there for the Electronic Zoo Festival. Thanks again for the postcard!!!!!

    • I moved up here for my career, really. To pursue my MFA in Playwriting and also, I suppose, to start the next phase of my life (whatever that means, eh). And I think I’m in the right place– it’s pretty inspiring here. Not that New Orleans isn’t full of inspiration too.

      Easton, PA and the Crayola Crayons! Crayons should be the local high school mascot. There’s a school in St. Louis called Nerinx Hall and its mascot is the markers, I kid you not.

      So glad you enjoyed the postcard, Rowan. Yes, please feel free to peruse the other postings now and in the future.

      All the best,
      CQ

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